Brace Yourselves–Spring Break is Coming!

Spring Break: It’s like summer break, but only lasts one week and we parents still want to pull our hair out three days into it.

Do you remember when we were kids, and Spring Break was a glorious week of no school, of sleeping in while Mom & Dad went to work and left us with the house to ourselves and our pesky siblings? The only house rules we had back then were 1) Do not open the door for anyone, including and especially the Ice Cream Man and people giving away puppies, and 2) Do not use the stove until Mom gets home.

Well, it’s 2016. I wish my kids would run outside to chase down the ice cream man. Or try to cook. Anything to get them to forget about the Xbox for a few minutes and overpay for a cold, creamy-yet-crunchy, and sugar-laden facsimile of a taco (Choco Tacos are the best!).

Brace Yourselves--Spring Break is Coming!
Type 2 Diabetes Not Included (but coming soon)

Other rules we have at our house here in 2016 include the children playing only educational games on their $500 electronic tablets (I could have bought three Nintendo 64 consoles in 1984 with that kind of money), which for the most part has simply resulted in the children arguing the educational virtues of Minecraft. You know what, just turn the volume off when playing that game and we’ll call it a deal.

Another rule is if the kids don’t get their chores done, we change the house wi-fi password and they won’t get the new password until their work is done. Kids entirely dependent on wi-fi? This is in stark contrast to 1981, when the only “fi” in the house was the hi-fi speaker on my pink record player.

Brace Yourselves--Spring Break is Coming!
The only password this needs is TOTALLY BITCHIN

 

Aside from growing weary of enforcing house rules, I have some other, more serious ideas on how to spend Spring Break with your kids. Many of these are specific to the Phoenix area, but you should be able to adapt my suggestions to Looneyville, Texas (that’s a real place) or Normal, Illinois (again, real), or wherever it is you may call home–You know your town better than I do!

Brace Yourselves--Spring Break is Coming!

My daughter and me outside the tattoo parlor

You could take your kids to:

Visit the public library
Make “art” at a pottery painting shop (i.e. As You Wish)
Spend the kids’ college funds at Dave & Busters
Enjoy the Phoenix Zoo, Wildlife World Zoo (Litchfield Park), or Sea Life Aquarium (Tempe)
Venture down one of Phoenix’s 40 hiking trails
Not catch butterflies at Butterfly Wonderland (Scottsdale)
Get concussions at a trampoline park
Get calloused with indoor rock climbing
Hold a dance off with tortoises at the Herpetological Society (Scottsdale) (the tortoises are terrible dancers, so you may win)
Get matching emoji tattoos

 

 

 

Spring Break only lasts a week. Your kids won’t even get bored of hanging around the house until at least two hours after they get home from school on the Friday that leads into Spring Break. Wouldn’t it be fun if this led to a lively dinnertime discussion about how you enjoyed Lake Havasu every Spring Break of your college career? Pro tip: Describe yourself as wearing twice as many clothes as you really did in the version of the story you tell your kids. They’ll figure it out when they get to college.

Brace Yourselves--Spring Break is Coming!

Same.