I have never been a dessert person. I cannot be enticed or influenced by chocolate or Bavarian cream or even Tic-Tacs. Sugar just doesn’t do it for me. I can firmly say “No” to any sweet. It’s my super power. If you’ve ever spent more than thirty minutes with me you would know that I’m not sweet–I’m sour (and/or savory) and I don’t know why that is or if it’s a “which came first” chicken/egg question for the ages, but I definitely enjoy the ability to resist the goldmine of trans-fat and calories which come with a restaurant cheesecake and frankly I pity all of you who can’t.
Well, unless it’s like a lime cheesecake or something. I do love lime, in almost anything. Or lemon. Like those lemon Girl Scout cookies? Talk about perfection–especially when you eat them cold, right out of the freezer. Okay, I guess adding citrus to a powdered-sugary dessert makes it more appealing to me. I think that’s because citrus is so refreshing and light and, well, adds the sour element that I love so much. Plus, citrus is great for our metabolism. I can’t actually prove that’s true in any way, but I feel like it must be so every time I shovel those gooey lemon bars by the bushel into my facehole. What? Come on. Like you don’t do this too.
Do you know what I am craving now, thanks to staring at these lemon bars? Gooey butter cake. Schnucks. St. Louis, Mizzurrah. I don’t live anywhere near St. Louis, but when any of the family here fly back to visit our family there they always fly home with at least three gooey butter cakes from Schnucks, and then we all congregrate like vultures at Grandma’s house and inhale that pastry miracle in one night. But you see, this dessert is much more savory than it is sweet, thanks to all the butter and cream cheese–not that there’s not some sugar and powdered sugar and high fructose corn syrup also in the recipe, but I enjoy the savory layers of the cake much more than those sweet layers. And let’s put it this way: I If I should ever find myself on death row, gooey butter cake from Schnucks will absolutely be my last meal. Now it’s all I can think about. I’m not saying I’d commit murder just to make sure that gooey butter cake is my last meal, but I am suggesting that you all keep it in mind in case that opportunity falls into your laps.
If there is a reason to suck up to me in order to get something you want, try using cheese. I love cheese. I love sharp cheddar. Creamy goat cheese, maybe in a quesadilla with some caramelized onion and mushroom? And crumbled bleu cheese–I could eat that with a spoon right out of the package. I’m not snobby about it, though–I am such a sucker for those grocery store cheese sampler trays, the kind from the deli department? Or if you really have cash to spend, gift me a big bag of those pre-cut cheese cubes. Cheese? In a bite-sized cube?? How luxurious! And we all know what goes with cheese—wine. So bring wine with the cheese.
Predictably, I don’t care for the sweet wines. I’m more a fan of the heavy reds. Or a locally brewed craft beer. By the way, I’m going to begin calling them “artisanal beers” and hope that catches on, because I can see it becoming a thing. I’d kill to hear the hipster guys in that one hipster pub order “an artisanal beer, please”. That would make my day.
So in summary, by paragraph:
- I’m not a “sweets person”
- Citrus is not only nutritious but also delicious
- I would commit crimes if it meant gooey butter cake
- Cheese goes with wine
- I got bitchy about the hipsters
I bet all this means I’m PMS’ing. Happy Friday!