These kids of mine have done nothing but methodically chip away at my sanity for the last six months (if not since the day they were born). It’s expected that this will happen, though—this ain’t my first rodeo, folks—and so every once in a while I know to plan a getaway all by my lonesome in order to catch my breath and get a chance to miss my family.
And now my time for a solo vacation—leaving the whole family and their diapers and the noise and chaos and the Hillshire Farms Goldfish cracker crumbs behind—is a few days away, so of course the children sense this. The boy is literally batting his eyelashes, telling adorably unfunny jokes, going to bed on the first try and is in general completely charming me. His twin has upped her irresistible factor, too—she’s suddenly talking about “Valen-times Day” (nearly a month late), begging to snuggle with me, and refuses to take her medication from anyone but me. Big sister is acing her math and spelling tests, cleaning up after herself, and helping her brother and sister with simple tasks without me even asking.
Who are these children, and where have they been for the last six months? And more importantly, what is their agenda? Are they passive-aggressively trying to persuade me to cancel my trip? Or trying to ensure I feel guilty for leaving them for three days? Trying to convince me to take them with me? Arguing the case for me to actually return home from my vacation?
Who knows, really. All I know is that their ornery, incorrigible behavior is what forced me to search for an opportunity to escape and now these kids are unrecognizable. I don’t appreciate it one bit. If I feel compelled to leave because of your clinginess and disruptiveness and overall sanity-eroding behavior, you damned well better stay that way for your father while I’m gone. I will.not.have.exceptionally.behaved.children while I’m 1500 miles away and unable to enjoy it. ‘Cause that’s completely unfair. To me, anyway.